Many of us who’ve been through a divorce find ourselves in a position where we’re asked, or wanting, to give advice to a friend who’s going through the same thing.
According to the article “8 Ways Divorcés Can Help Those Going Through Divorce Now” on www.huffingtonpost.com, there are a few things we should (and shouldn’t) pass along.
Making the decision to end a marriage is not an easy one. And oftentimes, the time period leading up to that decision is as stressful (if not more so), than the actual leaving. I know that when I came to a crossroads in my marriage, the decision kind of made itself.
Children tend to assume they’re at fault when mom and dad break up, as unreasonable as it seems. They feel as if they had made better grades, behaved better, or didn’t misbehave, that their parents would get along better. Tell your child that they are not to blame at all. But be honest with them about the problems between you and your ex without placing blame on either of you. Explain how it is a joint decision.
Pick a time that doesn’t conflict with tests or special occasions to talk about the breakup. Be willing to talk again when your children have questions and that you’ll answer them as best you can. A break-up means the end of the life your children have known. It is a loss that they will feel deeply. Let them be honest in expressing their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable for you.
Tell your children the things that are going to change, and how the family will be dealing with these changes. But, more importantly, stress the things that will stay the same, i.e., their bedroom, house rules, and your love for them.
Listen with understanding when your children vent anger, or seem dejected and aloof. Try to encourage talk at those times, to let them know you care, and that their feelings are normal. Support them by telling them that you’ll deal with each detail together, as it comes up.
Try to say only positive things about your ex-spouse, unless that’s totally not possible. In that case, it is better that you don’t say anything! Try not to burden your children with the issues that are breaking you and your spouse up. Children will begin to feel that they must choose, or take sides with, one or the other parent. This is not good for them or you.
By being considerate with your children about your divorce, you can ease their tensions. Focus on supporting them and they will emerge from the turmoil of emotions a lot more confident and strong. And above all, feel loved.
Written by: Ruby Mosely,Rust Built, Marketing Services
We have all heard about the difficulty children experience when they have parents who are going through a divorce. As moms, it becomes our top priority to protect our children and nurture them through this difficult time. Our expert guest blogger shares her tips to putting our children first when going through a divorce.
Divorce is the storm that creeps in, and blows your life into a thousand pieces. But there is a blessing here, you still have your life. Your heart may be broken; and your life is turned upside down. But start counting your blessings one by one, surround yourself with people you love to spend time with. Stop the pity party; if you don’t wake up, life will pass you by. You have to STAND up, and get back into the game of life.
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When mom and dad make the decision to divorce, and saying ‘I do’ is no longer an option, how do you tell the kids?
Separation could be a very risky alternative, which could work if well managed by each member of the relationship. A few simple steps could make the difference.
Divorce is never an easy thing, and there’s lots of advice out there regarding how to deal with it. I think that there are three definite phases to a divorce, and have put together a list of pieces of advice based on those three stages:
Divorce is yet another opportunity to learn. Taking an attitude of courage and curiosity helps you wring as much wisdom out of your experience as possible. So, after the tears have dried and the support is received, take time to reflect so you can learn whatever there is to be learned from the situation.
An excellent method of reflection is to identify the issues you may have neglected to consider earlier in the relationship. Clarify the questions that, if asked, may have helped to prevent a divorce. Maybe you didn’t ask about the other person’s honesty, integrity, or kindheartedness. Maybe you didn’t ask about your own readiness for commitment or your willingness to accept your partner as they are. What did you forget to check-in with yourself about? Learn this, write this down, so you won’t neglect this issue when you are ready to try love again.
–Elsbeth Martindale, Psy.D., www.CourageToBloom.com
When going through a transition whether by choice or life circumstance, you need to know who you are and who you aren’t and from that awareness, pull up new inner resources. All transitions are an invitation to go within. Stay curious and self-compassionate.
We’re often so excited at the prospects of a new life or a new love, that we don’t do an honest self-evaluation of what caused the demise of our marriage in the first place. If we feel it was all his fault, the question must be: why did we allow bad behavior and why didn’t we act sooner? If we had a part, what was it and does it need attention before we duplicate it in the next relationship?
During and after divorce is also a time when we might turn to other things for comfort at night – spending, eating, and prescription medications. As long as it’s situational and temporary – fine. Sometimes we find that our ‘coper’ is broken and we begin to rely on things outside of ourselves to sustain us and get us through another day. My advice is to take some time after the dust settles and really evaluate where you are, where you want to be, and what is standing in your way. Then make an action plan to move forward.
I believe the healthiest way to move through a divorce is through:
1) Letting go of the past and accepting the situation. As Eckhart Tolle says “The pain that you create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is.” We create our own suffering, so when you catch yourself doing this, ask yourself how does this serve me and how can I find happiness now?
2) Creating a vision of your preferred future, including your ideal mate. If you don’t have a vision, how can you attract or fulfill it?
3) Practice self-love. As Marianne Williamson states “First step to real deep lasting love with another, is to learn to love ourselves unconditionally”.
— Rose Diaz, Empowerment Coach
It can be difficult to ignore the doom and gloom cast by society over divorce to see the opportunities and rewards. However, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can go a long way toward greater emotional and physical health as well as increasing your ability to cope and think clearly under stress. The good news is that chances are, you are already more likely to look on the bright side of divorce than male divorcees. Research suggests that while women do experience loses; they are also able to identify more gains from divorce than men.
Studies show women, more than men, achieve a fuller sense of themselves post-divorce, particularly as women may benefit more from the resulting shift in gender roles. What’s more, long term studies observe increases in earnings over the lifespan and higher average Social Security benefits for divorced women. So go ahead and look on the bright side. It may be easier than you think.