Those long agonized seconds in the mornings when I first came back to consciousness after the restless nights were the seconds I hated most. I dreaded those gut-wrenching moments when I realized — again — that the life I had known for 33 years was crumbling all around me and the divorce was really going to happen.
Divorce is never an easy thing, especially for the children involved. As adults going through divorce, it’s easy to get wrapped up in our needs and we fail to see how our decisions and actions affect those around us and sometimes lose touch with their needs.
As anyone who’s been through a divorce can tell you, it can be (and usually is), a very painful experience. Even the most amicable of splits, or the ones we knew had to happen, may still leave us with lonely nights spent wondering what went wrong.
When school grades fall or aggressive behavior develops, parents need to be proactive and not wait on the sidelines. Conversations with teachers and school counselors can give you a better perspective on your child’s needs. Don’t hesitate to talk to your children as well to learn more about what’s going on and how they feel about the changes and new challenges in their lives. It’s imperative that you listen and not lecture. Allow them to vent so they feel heard. Only then can you be helpful in finding useful solutions.
If your children drop close friendships following your divorce they may be feeling shame, anger, embarrassment, guilt or other negative emotions. Some kids feel helpless at home and express these frustrations with classmates and friends. They may be misunderstood or rejected by these friends at a time when support is most needed. Giving them access to a compassionate child therapist can be helpful for them – and for you.
If your children are not intimidated or afraid to talk to you about the divorce, their other parent and time spent with them, that’s a good sign. It usually shows a healthy level of adjustment. Usually it also means both parents understand the importance of keeping lines of communication open. Mature parents don’t compete for their children’s approval or attention and they’re aware of the dangers of making kids feel guilty or shameful for loving their other parent.
Well-adjusted children have energy for after-school clubs, sports and other programs. If your child opts out of activities they used to enjoy, be aware. Usually that’s a sign that they are having coping issues with changes in family life. It’s wise to talk with a counselor and get involved with a support group for help before things progress in more negative directions.
Kids who handle divorce well are comfortable with themselves and others. They show compassion and sensitivity to other children who may be hurting. Children coping with emotional issues and low self-esteem often act out aggressively with siblings, friends – even their pets. They lose their capacity for empathy and caring for others. This is a red flag warning that they may be in emotional distress and need a strong support system. Bring in school and other professionals to help you provide this safety net.
Parents who demonstrate a healthy attitude about their divorce usually have children who cope better. Never take for granted that the divorce is not affecting your child. Be diligent in watching for signs of problems. If issues arise, seek professional help immediately. That can make the difference between temporary setbacks and real long-term issues that create emotional and psychological problems with life-long consequences.
Love can be among the most beautiful and rewarding experiences in human life. It leads to things like children, families and marriage. However, love is an incredibly complex emotion, and there are various factors that go into keeping a happy marriage. Sometimes life proves to be too much for a marriage to overcome, and a divorce becomes necessary.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” Those going through a divorce may not believe this statement. If you are told over and over how dumb, ugly, or worthless you are, you begin to believe it. This verbal abuse happens every day to both men and women. Most people do not realize that those who “name-call” are usually the ones with the issues.
Since children are egocentric, they should be your first consideration when contemplating divorce. They have to know that the decision you’ve made is not their fault and they have done nothing wrong. Help them to understand divorcing is what you believe to be the best step to take for everyone in the family.
No magic words can eliminate the hurt children feel when they hear that their parents are divorcing. Although this is a sad time, there are steps that parents can take to minimize the impact that divorce has on their children.
Here are 6 tips for dating after divorce. The mere concept of dating once you’ve been divorced can be overwhelming, and it should be, but there are guidelines to help move forward and make that decision.
The hurt of divorce can drive us to do and say things that we may normally never dream of doing or saying. If you find yourself wondering, did that really just happen? Maybe it’s time to take a step back and define some straight boundaries to protect your own standards and values.