Divorce is never an easy thing, and there’s lots of advice out there regarding how to deal with it. I think that there are three definite phases to a divorce, and have put together a list of pieces of advice based on those three stages:
Divorce is yet another opportunity to learn. Taking an attitude of courage and curiosity helps you wring as much wisdom out of your experience as possible. So, after the tears have dried and the support is received, take time to reflect so you can learn whatever there is to be learned from the situation.
An excellent method of reflection is to identify the issues you may have neglected to consider earlier in the relationship. Clarify the questions that, if asked, may have helped to prevent a divorce. Maybe you didn’t ask about the other person’s honesty, integrity, or kindheartedness. Maybe you didn’t ask about your own readiness for commitment or your willingness to accept your partner as they are. What did you forget to check-in with yourself about? Learn this, write this down, so you won’t neglect this issue when you are ready to try love again.
–Elsbeth Martindale, Psy.D., www.CourageToBloom.com
When going through a transition whether by choice or life circumstance, you need to know who you are and who you aren’t and from that awareness, pull up new inner resources. All transitions are an invitation to go within. Stay curious and self-compassionate.
We’re often so excited at the prospects of a new life or a new love, that we don’t do an honest self-evaluation of what caused the demise of our marriage in the first place. If we feel it was all his fault, the question must be: why did we allow bad behavior and why didn’t we act sooner? If we had a part, what was it and does it need attention before we duplicate it in the next relationship?
During and after divorce is also a time when we might turn to other things for comfort at night – spending, eating, and prescription medications. As long as it’s situational and temporary – fine. Sometimes we find that our ‘coper’ is broken and we begin to rely on things outside of ourselves to sustain us and get us through another day. My advice is to take some time after the dust settles and really evaluate where you are, where you want to be, and what is standing in your way. Then make an action plan to move forward.
I believe the healthiest way to move through a divorce is through:
1) Letting go of the past and accepting the situation. As Eckhart Tolle says “The pain that you create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is.” We create our own suffering, so when you catch yourself doing this, ask yourself how does this serve me and how can I find happiness now?
2) Creating a vision of your preferred future, including your ideal mate. If you don’t have a vision, how can you attract or fulfill it?
3) Practice self-love. As Marianne Williamson states “First step to real deep lasting love with another, is to learn to love ourselves unconditionally”.
— Rose Diaz, Empowerment Coach
It can be difficult to ignore the doom and gloom cast by society over divorce to see the opportunities and rewards. However, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can go a long way toward greater emotional and physical health as well as increasing your ability to cope and think clearly under stress. The good news is that chances are, you are already more likely to look on the bright side of divorce than male divorcees. Research suggests that while women do experience loses; they are also able to identify more gains from divorce than men.
Studies show women, more than men, achieve a fuller sense of themselves post-divorce, particularly as women may benefit more from the resulting shift in gender roles. What’s more, long term studies observe increases in earnings over the lifespan and higher average Social Security benefits for divorced women. So go ahead and look on the bright side. It may be easier than you think.
Divorce is a roller-coaster. Highs. Lows. Fears. Anxieties. Hopes for a better future.
Even happy marriages are difficult. There isn’t a married couple out there immune to the many problems, disagreements, and hurt feelings that creep up in a marriage. We often wonder what life would be like on the other side. Many couples have used a trial separation to help decide if getting divorced is the right decision for them. But, is separating the right method for you?
If you’re ready to end your relationship, there are some things to consider to be sure you are making the right decision. Obviously, if you are not living your best life with your partner, you know something is wrong.
Feeling resistant to this idea? You’re not alone. Many divorced moms feel uncomfortable with the idea of taking time for themselves every day. Excuses such as lack of space, time or energy are common. The truth is resistance to this is really about not valuing yourself or prioritizing for your own well-being. That just won’t do if you want to have a happy and healthy life after divorce!
Our expert guest blogger and therapist, Erika Myers, shares her helpful advice with us on how to maintain your relationship with your children post divorce. Learn what steps to take to ensure you continue to provide a healthy environment where you can nurture your children.
As mothers we want to raise boys that are both caring and nurturing, as well as strong and courageous. We realize the importance of respect and want nothing less than that for our sons. But, how do we instill all these qualities into our boys without a father figure in the household?
When your husband comes to you with his request for a divorce, you have a decision to make. Do you stay and fight for your marriage? Or do you let go? Learn what options our expert guest blogger suggests you weigh when faced with this decision.
Keeping an amicable and respectful attitude towards each other when going through a divorce creates a workable atmosphere that benefits everyone: spouses, children, and other family members. And yes, it can be done.