Every relationship is different. Marriages end for different reasons. Divorces are avoided for different reasons.
So, first understanding the value of your relationship is a great first step in determining what can (or can’t) be done to save a marriage that may be headed to divorce. As today’s guest blogger and relationship author tells us, start by asking yourself if your marriage is worth saving:
I am married, and I am a dad. I cannot tell you from the point of view of a single mother, how to parent a child. Yet, I still feel qualified to write this piece as I am the result of being raised by a single mom.
Making the decision to separate or even divorce is a tough pill to swallow. Couple in the decision to equally divide up assets and it can be quite a challenge. State laws differ so you need to understand that you are not guaranteed to get half of the marital assets in a divorce. Assets acquired by you and your spouse during marriage are considered marital property (i.e. property, retirement benefits). However, in the United States, there are two very different divorce standards, equitable distribution, and community property. Currently, there are 10 “community property” states and 41 “equitable distribution” states.
It is easy to dwell on all the changes you’re going through during the process of divorce. From relief to frustration, and hope to despair, just about every feeling in the book will overwhelm you at one point or another. We asked our experts how do women survive the roller coaster of divorce? The answer might surprise you!
Co-parenting creates a home for your children. In fact, it creates two healthy homes for a family and for your children’s overall health. It means taking a step back from your own desires and hurts and focusing on what’s best for your kids, and co-parenting is what they need.
Struggling to find the right answers in a marriage that is faltering is a terrible feeling. Questions flood our minds like, “how long are we supposed to try?” or “what if nothing ever changes, will it be this way forever?”
If you’re spinning around the two-sided coin of fight or flight, remember the following advice from our expert guest blogger:
Those long agonized seconds in the mornings when I first came back to consciousness after the restless nights were the seconds I hated most. I dreaded those gut-wrenching moments when I realized — again — that the life I had known for 33 years was crumbling all around me and the divorce was really going to happen.
Divorce is never an easy thing, especially for the children involved. As adults going through divorce, it’s easy to get wrapped up in our needs and we fail to see how our decisions and actions affect those around us and sometimes lose touch with their needs.
As anyone who’s been through a divorce can tell you, it can be (and usually is), a very painful experience. Even the most amicable of splits, or the ones we knew had to happen, may still leave us with lonely nights spent wondering what went wrong.
When school grades fall or aggressive behavior develops, parents need to be proactive and not wait on the sidelines. Conversations with teachers and school counselors can give you a better perspective on your child’s needs. Don’t hesitate to talk to your children as well to learn more about what’s going on and how they feel about the changes and new challenges in their lives. It’s imperative that you listen and not lecture. Allow them to vent so they feel heard. Only then can you be helpful in finding useful solutions.
If your children drop close friendships following your divorce they may be feeling shame, anger, embarrassment, guilt or other negative emotions. Some kids feel helpless at home and express these frustrations with classmates and friends. They may be misunderstood or rejected by these friends at a time when support is most needed. Giving them access to a compassionate child therapist can be helpful for them – and for you.
If your children are not intimidated or afraid to talk to you about the divorce, their other parent and time spent with them, that’s a good sign. It usually shows a healthy level of adjustment. Usually it also means both parents understand the importance of keeping lines of communication open. Mature parents don’t compete for their children’s approval or attention and they’re aware of the dangers of making kids feel guilty or shameful for loving their other parent.
Well-adjusted children have energy for after-school clubs, sports and other programs. If your child opts out of activities they used to enjoy, be aware. Usually that’s a sign that they are having coping issues with changes in family life. It’s wise to talk with a counselor and get involved with a support group for help before things progress in more negative directions.
Kids who handle divorce well are comfortable with themselves and others. They show compassion and sensitivity to other children who may be hurting. Children coping with emotional issues and low self-esteem often act out aggressively with siblings, friends – even their pets. They lose their capacity for empathy and caring for others. This is a red flag warning that they may be in emotional distress and need a strong support system. Bring in school and other professionals to help you provide this safety net.
Parents who demonstrate a healthy attitude about their divorce usually have children who cope better. Never take for granted that the divorce is not affecting your child. Be diligent in watching for signs of problems. If issues arise, seek professional help immediately. That can make the difference between temporary setbacks and real long-term issues that create emotional and psychological problems with life-long consequences.