The divorce of one’s parents is a memorable moment for any child not only because it is a major change, but because it is a major change in the foundation that their life has been built upon – family. Your children might have heard stories about divorce from their friends. They may have noticed that you are not getting along with your spouse, or they may have heard you arguing.
When talking to your children about divorce, you want to make the talk age appropriate. Telling a three year old that mommy or daddy won’t be living in the home is different than telling an eight year old or a twelve year old.
Many of us who’ve been through a divorce find ourselves in a position where we’re asked, or wanting, to give advice to a friend who’s going through the same thing.
According to the article “8 Ways Divorcés Can Help Those Going Through Divorce Now” on www.huffingtonpost.com, there are a few things we should (and shouldn’t) pass along.
Making the decision to end a marriage is not an easy one. And oftentimes, the time period leading up to that decision is as stressful (if not more so), than the actual leaving. I know that when I came to a crossroads in my marriage, the decision kind of made itself.
Children tend to assume they’re at fault when mom and dad break up, as unreasonable as it seems. They feel as if they had made better grades, behaved better, or didn’t misbehave, that their parents would get along better. Tell your child that they are not to blame at all. But be honest with them about the problems between you and your ex without placing blame on either of you. Explain how it is a joint decision.
Pick a time that doesn’t conflict with tests or special occasions to talk about the breakup. Be willing to talk again when your children have questions and that you’ll answer them as best you can. A break-up means the end of the life your children have known. It is a loss that they will feel deeply. Let them be honest in expressing their feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable for you.
Tell your children the things that are going to change, and how the family will be dealing with these changes. But, more importantly, stress the things that will stay the same, i.e., their bedroom, house rules, and your love for them.
Listen with understanding when your children vent anger, or seem dejected and aloof. Try to encourage talk at those times, to let them know you care, and that their feelings are normal. Support them by telling them that you’ll deal with each detail together, as it comes up.
Try to say only positive things about your ex-spouse, unless that’s totally not possible. In that case, it is better that you don’t say anything! Try not to burden your children with the issues that are breaking you and your spouse up. Children will begin to feel that they must choose, or take sides with, one or the other parent. This is not good for them or you.
By being considerate with your children about your divorce, you can ease their tensions. Focus on supporting them and they will emerge from the turmoil of emotions a lot more confident and strong. And above all, feel loved.
Written by: Ruby Mosely,Rust Built, Marketing Services
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