7 Things To Never Do After A Divorce

Divorce can be one of the most traumatic experiences a person can go through.  Most people get married with the intentions of forever after, so when that ideal ends it’s difficult to remain objective or unemotional about your actions.  Divorce is complicated and involves many different issues and your behavior before, during, and after your divorce will determine how smoothly you will transition during your divorce and recover afterward.  For every poor decision you make in the early days of the break-up you will pay a price that will only enlarge exponentially if you don’t make a real effort to make the right choices during this difficult time.  There was a great article on “Today” with 7 Things You Shouldn’t Do After A Divorce.  Read them, write them down, and do your best to absorb them.

1. Don’t make any drastic physical changes

Skip the tattoos or piercings for now. It’s normal to feel “rebellious” after divorce, but doing anything permanent to your body is something that you may regret shortly after you do it!

2. Don’t expect your ex to be reasonable

Like anywhere in life, we can never change anyone else’s behavior. The only thing we can do is change ourselves. When your expectations are too high, especially if your ex has a track record of contention and hostility, what usually happens is that we crash down low when our expectations aren’t met. The only thing you can do to help is to mindfully focus on becoming the reasonable person — and hopefully he will notice and improve his behavior.

3. Don’t hook up with an ex

This person was an “ex” for a reason. Looking up someone you had dated in the past is like reaching out for an old sweater that doesn’t fit well, but is super comfy. Having comfort sex can be unfair to both your ex and yourself. When you orgasm, you release increased estrogen, testosterone and oxytocin — which may cloud your vision and make you feel more attached than you should to someone who isn’t good for you.

4. Don’t skip counseling

Not going to therapy is usually a mistake after divorce because it’s traumatic for almost everyone. If you didn’t like your last therapist, find a new one. There are thousands out there — find one who you have chemistry with. You need to work on yourself and heal the wounds before you can face the world of dating in a healthy way again.

5. Don’t speak badly of your spouse on social media

If you need to vent, call your mom or your pals. Don’t put it on Facebook or Instagram for the whole world to see. It will do you no good at all — in fact, probably just the opposite.

6. Don’t isolate yourself from your positive, married friends

Reach out to your friends and let them know you still want to be part of their dinners, parties, and kids celebrations. Married folks often don’t know how to tread the waters of close friends divorcing, and they could use some guidance and clarity from you. If you have friends that “dump” you, they weren’t real friends in the first place. Eliminate them, and make space for good new friends who elevate you and want the best for you.

7. Don’t start dating without a plan

We often tend to do what’s comfortable instead of what’s inherently right. If you don’t realize what went wrong in your marriage, understand your part in it (yes, you played a role — we all do), and what kind of a partner will make you happy for the next chapter of your life, chances are you can end up with someone who is a repeat of your ex in some form. At Smart Dating Academy, one of the most important things we do is help divorced women to dig deep and identify their “High GHQ” men (High in Good Husband Qualities) — so that they have a road map to someone who will make them happy (and to prevent them from ending up with the wrong person again).

I promise there is a light at the end of the dark divorce tunnel — we see happy endings all the time. Follow these seven rules to start out with, and you’ll be on track for getting yourself back to happy again in the least amount of time.