“You have too many married friends. You need to find some single friends.” This was advice given to me from my boss soon after my divorce.
I loved my married friends. They had been supportive of my daughters and I during the process of my divorce, and after. As considerate as they were, they did not understand this new status of mine: divorced and single again.
I was fortunate most of my couple friends had no problem with my new status. They would try to hook me up with a single brother in law or a colleague (which never worked out). Some were less inclined to be happy with a single person among their “couple” social time. So, I understood what my advice giving boss meant and I decided, yes, I did need to spend some time with those who could better relate to my experiences.
Married friends cannot understand the loneliness that proceeds a divorce, the loss of a future you had expected to have with your ex-spouse, how you sometimes feel like the fifth wheel because you are the “odd” number at a gathering (unless that single brother in law or colleague is invited, of course). And they are unable to understand when you become a single parent, how different parenting becomes without someone else to help run interference and all of the tasks involved with being a parent.
My daughters told no one for more than a year that their parents were divorced – they felt they were different and no kid wants to be “different” from their peers! So I began to find situations with other singles, especially those who were single parents. As I was part of a new wave of divorce decades ago, I found I had to personally do some creating and bringing together of other singles.
Now communities have so many resources available through church and social networking, making it easier to find our peers. Keep your wonderful married friends, but seek out those who can relate to the new life that you are living.
Written by: Patricia Bubash, Successful Second Marriages
About the Author:
Patricia Bubash earned her Masters Degree in Counseling at the University of Mo. St. Louis. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Stephen Minister, and author of the book, Successful Second Marriages. Patricia has worked for over thirty years in the educational setting as a teacher, counselor, parent advocate, and instructor for continuing education. She has facilitated divorce groups for children and given presentations on divorce, remarriage, blended families, self-esteem and other topics. She writes for Hope after Divorce, OneLegacy, and often is interviewed on various blog talk radio shows.